Monday, November 27, 2006

Solitude

I've often wondered why I wanted to join the Marines. A few times in
my life, as late as when I was 28 I investigated the possibility of
signing up.
I've always felt this incredible lack of discipline in my life and the
need to belong to something, a team, a group, anything. That's what
has always sucked in my musical career. I've never really had my band,
my team. They were always someone else's too, and everything usually
focused on what I did anyway. Except for the brief time I was in TP
and in Broom Hellda,where I felt more like one of the band.
I've always been a loner. Since I was a child and I was torn away from
my parents at age 4 and sent to Santo Domingo to live with my maternal
grandmother, while my brother and sister lived with my paternal
grandfather. Since that age I've always felt outside of everything. I
returned to live in NY when I was 8. I always felt alienated from my
brother and sister. The missing bond of growing up together. We went
to school at different times, had different friends, etc. Don't get me
wrong, I love them. Dearly. But there has always been that thing that
allows you to go months without being in contact with someone. That's
the type of relationship we have. My sister is 37 and my brother is
34.

The first time I contemplated suicide I was 9 I think. I went to this
school named PS 152 in NY. After school or before I went to the roof
of one of the buildings on Ellwood street and I saw my mom walking
with my brother and sister. I thought to myself "I should jump and
fall right in front of them". As long as I remember, suicide has been
an everyday thought. I wouldn't do it, though. I get strength from
those thoughts to dare to do things I think I fear. Getting up on a
stage for example, is never an easy thing for me. I get really nervous
and anxious, and I've ruined more than one performance because I've
let those things get the best of me. I've been drained by fear.
I also have extremes that range from euphoria to deep depressions. I
went to a psychiatrist once in DR when I was 18 or so. They gave me
lithium. I took it for maybe two days. I did not like the sensation of
bliss it gave me.
I drink alcohol, sometimes too much. I do not take drugs.
I'd smoked pot a few times as a kid at the age of 15 or so.
I decided to go to a coffeshop on a recent trip to Amsterdam. I
understood why I don't smoke. I did not like the feeling of not being
in control of my body. It did relax me like I hadn't relaxed in years,
but I felt far away.
I don't know. I would love to feel good about life, but I think that
I'm ok with being depressed sometimes. I can handle it. I think I'm
the type of person who is happy being sad.
"being down" is kind of normal for me. I must admit that sometimes
there are things that set me off and I can't control my emotions. I
become blinded in a sense by things that haven't even happened or have
never happened. I lose control of the present. I walk around in a
daze. Today doesn't exist, only tomorrow and yesterday. That I hate.
I was like that a couple of times in Amsterdam, Paris and Bergamo. My
head was everywhere except wrapped around the present. That ruins
life, because you don't seize the moment. Paris helped me though. Long
walks by the Seine. Just another "Flaneur".

My life has changed radically, and I don't know what to hold on to. I
was laying a foundation to build something on, but the foundation
crumbled before I could start.
I feel like I'm starting at 38, and I hate it. I don't think I know
what I want, but I have to do something in the meantime. Life doesn't
wait. It gets wasted on indecisiveness.
I play guitar, I take pictures, I write, I care. Who am I?, though. I
don't know, and I don't think I want to know. I've caught myself lying
to myself many times. Do I want to go on like that?

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